He asked to "fluff my boner.."
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
