Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
