At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
