Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
