I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
