: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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