I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
