I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
