He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
