the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
