Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
