I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
