Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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