"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
