alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
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Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
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My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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