she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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