I'm sorry my penis didn't work
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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