You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
