I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
