I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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