I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
