I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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