you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
