I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
