Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize