Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
