By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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