if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
