i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i now understand why vodka
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