Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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