she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
