soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
