i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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