So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
