Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
