All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
