She is in my trunk
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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