Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
