i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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