before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
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I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
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I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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