just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
no you cant smoke seaweed
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
