Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
