I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
