I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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