So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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