I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
