Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
