it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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