This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
