I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
