Having a random hookup so left but love u
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
