4 words: hood of his car
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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