It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
