God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
