He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
