I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
