why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
its liver damage thursday
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
