I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Is it penis luge time yet?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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