Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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