I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
