He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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