She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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