I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
