Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
