college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
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there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
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I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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