I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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