Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
